Bold—but politely negative—statement about the political solvency of a Wendy Davis gubernatorial campaign. Reiteration of good intentions, but declaration of unusually brave and unbridled honesty forthcoming about the certain failure of Wendy Davis, a woman political person who mainly focuses on woman political things, like abortions and abortions.

Acknowledgment that Wendy Davis is both physically and politically attractive, however abortions. Pricey running shoes and abortions. Mention of boots, because Texas. Condescending nod to people who believe Wendy Davis has a viable chance at winning the Texas governorship, but declaration of the veracity of the author’s singularly noteworthy ability to perceive political reality, in which the electoral landscape in Texas conveniently reflects author’s worldview. Curious absence of evidence that author has ever stepped foot in Texas.

Nevertheless, setting of the scene with cowboys, football, and cowboys playing football in demonstration of deep historico-political understanding of the Lone Star State, which it must be noted, is the insider nickname for Texas, because mavericks. Comparison of Wendy Davis to a maverick. A maverick who abortions.

Smug allusion to a future demonstration of Wendy Davis’ certain failure through the shallow analysis of some mathematical statistical number projections that support author’s argument. But first, observation that Texas has not seen a Democratic governor since Ann Richards, who was also a woman political person doing woman political things. Comparison between Ann Richards and Wendy Davis, who are Texas women that are not like most Texas women because of national polling result that shows reasons. Statement about strong Texas tradition of strong Texas women, tinged with mild negging about the proper performance of femininity.

Assertion that Wendy Davis cannot win a statewide election on the issue of abortion alone. Demonstration of inability or unwillingness to Google “Wendy Davis education,” “Wendy Davis environment,” or “Wendy Davis business.” Grudging admission that Wendy Davis did attend Harvard, but reminder that she was a teen mother and is twice divorced, which: abortions. Statement from woman (can be either author or woman person the author has met before) unilaterally stating that as a woman, women believe that Wendy Davis does not speak for women, because (please pick one) women are not very much like Wendy Davis / women are jealous of Wendy Davis / abortions.

“Quote from person in a leadership position in a national anti-choice organization,” says preferably Abby Johnson. Implication that real Texas women, who do not abortion, are not like Wendy Davis, a less real Texas woman who abortions. Overestimation of Texans’ propensity to vote with their Bibles, because (please pick one) Texans are righteous crusaders for Christ / all Texans are ignorant creationists. Quote person from Texas who is either uniquely astute in their ability to dismiss Wendy Davis or adorably ignorant in their appreciation of her.

Because, laundry list of things a Democrat would have to have to win a statewide office in Texas, according to brief perusal of the “politics” category on Texas’ Wikipedia page or a conversation with someone on Twitter who overuses the hashtag #TCOT. Observation that Wendy Davis has none of these things, because abortions. Credulous citation of research conducted by the Texas Public Policy Foundation, Empower Texans, or the Family Research Council.

Assertion that Wendy Davis is politically out of touch with Texas, which is undergoing swift and inevitable demographic changes that have been uniquely observed by author over the past several weeks of watching The Bridge while folding laundry. These changes are resulting in brown people, who (please pick one) are so deeply culturally conservative that they exhibit a long and abiding refusal to support abortions / get nothing but abortions all day long, but not nearly enough to get Wendy Davis, abortion lover, elected.

Verbal throwing up of hands in feigned exasperation and sympathy for unfortunately misled Texans who don’t know what’s best for them, because they are (please pick one) unrepentant sinners who abortion / starry-eyed idiots gaming for a candidate who abortions. Unwitting misuse of the phrase “Bless your heart.”