Commentary Law and Policy

An Oklahoman Apologizes for Oklahoma’s Politicians

Sarah Burris

On behalf of the great state of Oklahoma I want to take this opportunity to apologize.

Dear Americans,

On behalf of the great state of Oklahoma I want to take this opportunity to apologize. Wednesday evening, the Daily Show with Jon Stewart interviewed our Senator Ralph Shorty, the architect of the Oklahoma Personhood bill intended to declare a fertilized egg a person. Shorty explained that he couldn’t add Senator Constance Johnson’s “Every Sperm is Sacred” Amendment to his bill controlling women’s bodies, because her amendment was an effort to control men’s bodies. Senator Shorty will control women’s bodies, but control of men’s bodies Is. Not. Allowed. I promise you not all of our elected officials are this hypocritical, and most Oklahomans absolutely are not.

While I’m at it, I also want to apologize for all those oil companies encouraging Sen. Inhofe to declare global climate change is fake. You see, Oklahoma is where the oil comes from. We horde it like dominated squirrels so when we suck the Middle East dry everyone at home becomes a billionaire. I guess it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I’m so, so sorry about Rep. Sally Kern. I really don’t know what her problem is. She just seems to hate it when people are happy. I would psychoanalyze her, but she’s blocked me from asking these questions on Twitter. To be fair, though, she’s originally from Arkansas, so maybe that’s what it is.

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I apologize to Arkansas for that last remark. You’re not any better or worse.

Governor Mary Fallin really just can’t help herself and I’m profoundly sorry for her. It isn’t that she’s a super religious, pro-family values person; I mean… obviously, it’s just that she’ll say anything to get elected, even if it’s a lie or it’s hurtful. It’s just politics, you know?

And finally I want to apologize for the most conservative Democrat in the US Congress, Dan Boren who really only votes with Republicans a majority of the time. I don’t know what to say. His district isn’t that conservative, his father wasn’t that conservative, he’s just …. I don’t know. I’m really, really sorry for Dan Boren, and want to apologize especially to Leader Pelosi. At least he voted for her for Speaker in 2006. At least I think he did.

Oklahoma isn’t a bad place. We’re the home of Will Rogers, Garth Brooks, and Kane (from Project Runway). Of the wild and crazy weather that spun off the cult classic Twister! We bring you juicy steaks and when there isn’t a drought, we bring you the stuff to make bread. We’re so beautifully culturally diverse – despite our resistance to diversity. And, while some might exhibit CGB-like ways, bless their hearts, they’re not evil people; they sometimes just don’t understand. Some just don’t know any better.

So it’s our responsibility as progressives, as women, as LGBT persons, as environmentalists, as “rest-of-the-week” people of faith, to explain that what Oklahoma conservatives are actually doing has lasting cultural, economic, and quite honestly emotional impacts on all of us. Plus, it makes the state look like crazy town, and if there’s one thing Oklahomans can all agree on, we don’t want to end up looking like Texas.

I do not apologize to Texas for that remark, because I’m an Oklahoman, damnit.

So, I’m sorry. On behalf of all thinking and non-thinking Oklahomans. On behalf of moderate Republicans who are disgusted by their party and Democrats who’ve just thrown up their hands. On behalf of women who just roll they’re eyes and assume the courts will protect them. On behalf of the young gay teens who somehow make it through high school while just trying to live their lives. I apologize. I’m so, so, so very sorry. Please, forgive us.


Sarah Burris

On Behalf of Oklahoma

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