Easier Said Than Done


Infidelity, Monogamy, Polyamory.. OH MY. Why is it so damn hard to openly communicate in intimate relationships?

I want to start off by stating that I have never been married so I have no clue what it takes to keep a marriage together. I have been in only 1 long term relationship, and that I am 24 years of age. This is just my opinion/reaction/thoughts to current events.

My first reaction to the John Edwards scandal was "Shocking" (insert sarcasm here), my first reaction to the Tiger Woods scandal was "No shit". Sometimes I really don’t believe that I will ever be able to be in a long term monogamous relationship and sometimes it seems impossible for a large percentage of the population. I have heard every side of every story. Those were are monogamous and couldn’t be happier, those who are happily monogamously married with kids, those who have open relationships and still.. GASP, stay together and those who simply just do whatever the hell they want.

One thing I do believe in is communication. I have always been the one to prefer having the "awkward" conversation and putting it all out there. I realize that this can cause confusion with "acceptable" and "unacceptable" comments. The whole "always tell the truth" seems ridiculous. If the truth telling causes immense pain, is it necessary? If a person in a monogamous relationship cheats, should they tell their partner? Would it depend on if it is an ongoing affair or just a one night stand? Does that even matter? The trust has been broken. Some think that admitting to it would only hurt the person cheated on, so why bother? Is it really selfish to tell the truth in these matters?

Why can’t the conversations happen before the cheating? Why can’t a partner tell their significant other, "Hey, I’m wondering if we can discuss opening our relationship up." If you are a person that thinks one day monogamy might not work for you perhaps you shouldn’t get involved with someone who wants to be monogamous. But, alas, what if you change your own mind during the relationship? Bollucks. It doesn’t seem like we can ever win.

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I have only been in one long-term relationship. The two main reasons I ended it were 1. We weren’t acting like lovers, only like friends, and this affected other parts of the relationship including sex and 2. I wanted to be with other people. I don’t mean I wanted to be with other people at the same time. I just wanted to be open to explore opportunities with other people. Plus I was only 22 and in my mind that means.. C’MON there are more people I need to be with first. Was I in love? Yes, I believe I was. But if I wanted to explore other options, is that love? Did the love die out or just evolve? Who knows. No one can really answer that question. Love means so many different things to so many different people. And honestly, I still wonder what love means to me. I think love can be very fluid and changing.

But seriously, I am getting real tired of hearing about "famous people cheating". I mean that is their business and their partner’s business.. and frankly the people they are cheating with’s business. Yes, it is absolutely devasting how children and lovers end up getting emotionally hurt by this. I think we can all agree on the effects that divorce has on children, so I know infidelity can’t be far behind. Also putting a partner at risk for STDs, especially life-threatening diseases is inexcusable. For the love of evolution, tell your partner, PLEASE before anymore damage occurs! Why is that so damn hard?

Pertaining to John Edwards. Seriously dude.. No condom? The girl wasn’t on birth control? I mean, c’mon. You knew this could go bad, right? You have a family. I simply don’t understand it. I do understand the sexual urges that humans possess though. Was the desire for an orgasm so great that you couldn’t even think to check for birth control or perhaps grab a condom? Or did you honestly think even discussing those things would result in loss of desire? Which actually would have been the best thing. Then you could have gone to your wife and discussed your sexual desires beyond the Edwards household.

Tiger- young, handsome, popular, talented. He had sex with women on the road?!?!?! WHAT!?!?!?! I mean, duh, right? Is that just too damn cynical to think? Who knows what conversations Tiger and his wife have had behind closed doors. We are hearing stories from his mistresses, his wife.. but I mean who honestly can know what goes on behind closed doors. Did the Woods have a conversation about these things? Marriage has vows and bonds. Are these just assumed when you tie the knot? Does no further discussion need to take place? Does it depend on your marital views? Does religion matter? Sheesh it is a lot to think about.

This of course brings me back to a Sex and the City episode where the four ladies are discussing "the right one". When people do not believe in the "right one" or "soul mate" does that always go out the window when they meet the "right one". If I meet someone who I completely fall in love with, will all of these questions be answered and I would find it ridiculous to be nothing but monogamous with them? No, I honestly don’t think that will happen. But once again, what do I know. In my mind the "perfect" relationship has 100% open and honest communication about desires, fears, wants, needs. Once again I am not saying 100% honesty about EVERYTHING! But sex, that needs to be discussed.

Look at the divorce rate… I mean sheesh. Are people just not made for monogamy? Are people giving up too easily? Marrying too young? Too many shot gun weddings? I am a firm believer in comprehensive sexual education in schools. I’m talking comprehensive too. Communication needs to be on that list. Teaching kids how to talk openly and not be afraid to bring up uncomfortable topics could be very valuable. Life is uncomfortable but it can feel less so if we get some things off our chests.

That is how I created my catch phrase "be tHe awKwaRd" which basically means.. "be yourself" but with additions. Take the risk, say the thing you aren’t supposed to say, bring up the awkward conversation, address the elephant in the room… be sexy, be safe, be bold!

Just my ending tidbit: If you are having sex, get tested at least once a year for STIs and HIV/AIDs. I suggest getting birth control and the Gardasil Vaccine. Lets talk about all the controversy with birth control causing blood clots and how vaccines are just the govts way to control us!

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